I love writing. Really. But sometimes, I just want to delete my account and leave everything behind. I just couldn’t reconcile with the idea of strangers hating me for no apparent reason. It just bothers me a lot. I always ask myself why do people hate me? Have they even met me yet? Talked to me? But often times, those people who have the audacity to throw harsh words towards me were the ones whom I haven’t even seen personally yet.
Sometimes, I get tempted to just message them and ask them what was so wrong with me that they would go the length of sending me very hateful messages? I don’t always respond to hate, but I get affected. I get sad. I get depressed. There were days when I feel so down that I don’t even get out of bed. Those were the days when I start to question everything that I ever did in my life… Like why did this happen? Where did I go wrong? Is there anything I could do to change it?
It’s just making me crazy.
Internet is a good place to make friends… but it is also a place to get strangers to gang up on you. And I still am not strong enough to handle that. That’s why I try to build a wall around me. I just talk to people, but I don’t really let them in my life anymore. I got burned so many times before that I get scared by the mere idea of another friend turning their back against me… I get so scared, so worried… I don’t make friends anymore because the fear of being betrayed. I just content myself with the few good people that I already have in my life.
Don’t get me wrong; I know that there are a lot of good people in the world… I know that… But the fear that I am feeling inside me isn’t something that I got overnight. This fear is something that was slowly building up for years. Friends after friends turning against me, strangers hating my gut without even trying to get to know me… I just get so scared.
Sometimes, I think maybe I am the problem. Maybe I am. But I am always trying to be better. I just want people to talk to me, tell me what the problem is because I am open to changes. I just don’t want people talking behind my back. I hate it. It makes me want to curl up and hide from the world. It makes me wonder how inadequate I am… How unlovable I am… How hateful I actually am…
Maybe those people hate me because of the things that I have done in the past… Admittedly, I did some stupid and immature things before. But I have grown since then. I have matured. Can’t I get the benefit of the doubt? Can’t you even try to see that I changed? That I am not the same immature kid back then?
But of course people will not always listen. First impressions do last. For them, I will always be that immature and stupid girl. I will always carry that around me, dragging me down. And it sucks. But I guess I just have to live with it. Live with the hate. Live with the fear. And maybe… maybe eventually numb myself from all the judgment I receive daily.
Maybe one day it wouldn’t hurt as much.