What You Can’t Have
Maya had been asking me about the reason why I was at her pad but I had been mum about it. She was my best friend and I loved her but I couldn’t talk about it just yet. Even I, myself, couldn’t understand what was going on.
Did Adam love me? Yes.
Did I love him? Of course.
Was I jealous? Hell yes!
She was his ex, for heaven’s sake! He almost married her! Once in his life, she was the love of his life. His life once revolved around her. Wasn’t that reason enough for me to feel this way? For me to feel threatened?
Or was I just being paranoid and irrational? I was already married to Adam but here was I, thinking about these things…
Maya ordered food for us and as we were waiting for the delivery, she cornered me. She worked in a firm and she knew how to make someone talk. And though I was better at her with this, she cracked me open.
“So, it’s about the ex?” she asked with her forehead creased. “Seriously, Bree?”
I didn’t understand why she was responding this way. She was my best friend! And I knew that entailed that she support me in whatever crazy decision I do and whatever stupid emotion I was feeling. I knew this because I did this. Maya was one crazy person and I had to go through all of her craziness throughout college.
“What? Aren’t I allowed to get jealous anymore?” I asked, my voice laced with slight annoyance. I knew this was crazy. So what if Adam was having dinner with his ex? So what if after our talk—after I admitted that I was jealous of his ex—he still had the gut to have dinner with her?
She shook her head.
“No. It’s just that you’ve always been so self-assured.”
I didn’t respond. I didn’t know what to respond.
“You’re your own person, Bree, and that’s what I admired the most about you. You didn’t take shit from anyone—though I still am not sure if it’s because you’re confident or you just grew numb because of your family. But either way, this,” she said and pointed at me, “this is not you, Bree.”
The silence grew. I hated it. I hated hearing the truth from her… I hated knowing that I was changing. That I was slowly becoming the person I thought I would never be.
I was never jealous.
I was never weak.
I was never this.
But somehow along the way, I was starting to become the person I never wanted to be. I was slowly becoming my own nightmare.
“Adam adores you. The man is crazy for you! If he could, he’d kiss the ground you walk on!”
“It’s not that…” I managed to find my voice despite every little prickling pain I was feeling in my heart.
I drew a deep breath and looked at her. She was looking at me with utmost disappointment. And it freaking hurt.
“What if his feelings for her return?” I croaked, every word felt like a slice on my chest. I didn’t want to imagine Adam with someone else. God, it would kill me! I knew I used to think that it was impossible for someone to be this in love with someone but Adam changed my perspective in life. He made me believe in love. He made me want to believe in forever.
He made me this.
He made me his.
And I just didn’t want for this to be shattered.
“Come on, Bree…” she said, exasperatedly. “She’s the ex—past.”
“You didn’t see her. You didn’t see how she looks at him!” I said, my voice rising as memories of them together flashed inside my mind. I was so stupid to look her up the Internet. Lauren Du Pónt—the heiress, the ex fiancée, the most sought after bachelorette across the states.
“So? What matters is how he looks at her. Did he look like he’s in love with her?” And I was silent for a moment. “See? You’re just being stupid, Bree,” she said and sighed. “Look, Adam’s the best thing that happened to you, remember? You said that to me once.”
I smiled bitterly at the thought.
“Don’t let that thing go, Bree,” she urged. “Not everyone gets to have that thing.”
Maya hugged me after that and somehow, that made me feel better. Adam had always told me he loved me and I always believed him. I just didn’t know why this jealousy was eating me away. Maybe it was because deep inside my heart, I was an insecure girl. Maybe I wasn’t fine at all. Maybe my family really did a number on me and the ugly effects were just showing now.
God, I hated this.
I planned to stay the night because though my mind was a bit clear now, I didn’t want to go to an empty house. I called and was informed that Adam hadn’t come home yet. I had to lie to myself. I had to convince myself that that didn’t hurt.
I wanted to be understanding but it was so hard! It was like everything about that woman screamed chaos!
So I told Maya that I was staying for the night because I terribly missed her… which I did… but that wasn’t the sole reason. God, I hoped tomorrow, everything will be alright.
The next morning, I woke up early and called the driver to pick me up. When I arrived home, I saw Adam eating his breakfast.
“Good morning,” I greeted but I was met with stony silence. I leaned in and kissed him on the lips but he turned his face away. I felt a familiar pain in my chest but chose to ignore it.
That stung but I f ucking deserved it.
“I stayed with Maya,” I informed him. It was like being punched over and over again the way he was ignoring me. My lips started quivering but I tried to mask the pain. I didn’t want him to see me this way. I didn’t want him to see me slowly breaking because god, this hurt so much! Him ignoring me was slowly breaking me piece by piece and I was slowly becoming beyond repair.
For seconds, I just stared… and hoped… and prayed that he’d look my way.
But he didn’t.
So I stood up and began walking away because I could only take so much rejection from one person. I wanted to talk to him, I wanted to explain myself but I didn’t want to let myself be ignored and treated like a trash. I was better than that.
“That’s where you are good at.”
I halted from my walk when I heard Adam talk. His voice was icy cold and laced with anger.
“F ucking walking away every f ucking time.”
His every word pierced like a knife and it was hurting me so bad. I heaved a deep breath and reminded myself to be strong. I needed to be who I was before I met him. I needed to be strong because nobody else would stand up for me.
Because at the end of the day, I only got myself.
“Are you done?” I asked and tried to match his tone. I turned and measured his gaze. When he didn’t answer, I turned my back on him again and continued walking. I didn’t want to talk to him right now because we’d just end up fighting. And I was so tired of fighting with him. It was the same thing over and over again. It was so tiring!
I was already inside the room when I heard the door slammed behind me.
“What the hell’s your problem, Sabrina?!” he raised his voice.
I faced him.
“My problem?” I seethed.
“Your problem!” he shouted back. “I went home last night and found out that you’d stormed out!”
I raised my finger and pointed at him. “Why don’t you ask yourself that question, huh?!” I shouted and then pushed him away from me. “I already told you that I don’t like you going out with your freaking ex-fiancé but what did you do?!”
He looked at me like he couldn’t believe what I was saying.
“For God’s sake, Bree! She was shot! What did you want me to do? Leave her and let her bleed to death?!”
“F ucking asshole! Don’t try to turn this to me! I don’t care if you take care of her but inform me! I’m your wife in case you forget!”
Anger was very evident in his eyes but I was sure I mirror his. I was livid right at the moment. I wanted to strangle him and send him back to that Lauren’s side! I wanted them to rot together in hell!
“God, Bree. Why are you being so difficult?”
My chest felt heavy and my eyes were stinging. I turned my back on him again. I didn’t want him to see me breaking. He was the only one who could break me this easy. He was the only one allowed to break me this bad.
I carefully wiped the tears before they even fall and got my purse.
“Where are you going?”
“Away from you,” I said and then walked out on him. He was stunned for a moment but when he realized how serious I was, he began chasing after me. He called my name but I wasn’t even trying to listen.
I was tired of his shits.
I was tired of this hot and cold.
I just wanted some peace.
“Bree,” he sighed my name.
“Start the car,” I told the driver. Adam told the driver not to. “I’ll f ucking walk if I have to, Adam. I just want you out of my sight.”
I could hear his heavy breathing and I could feel his annoyance down to my very core. We were both mad and we were both very frustrated. We were both at the height of our emotions and it wasn’t doing us any good.
We’d go head to head and no one would back down.
So I was leaving. Because I didn’t want to further the damage.
“I’ll leave,” he said. “Stay in our house, Bree.”
“So that you could go to your ex-lover?” I replied. “No, thanks.”
He cursed under his breath but I was already able to get inside the car before he could even reply. I started the engine and drove myself away. I had to calm myself down or else I’d crash myself to death. But freaking image of Adam and Lauren together was flooding my brain.
I ditched the car and then hailed a cab. I didn’t want him following me. I just wanted to be out of his freaking sight! I didn’t want to go to Maya’s place because he’d just follow me there so I searched for the nearest rest house and went there. I paid in cash—using my own money.
He and his fancy friends should shove their money up their asses!
I knew it was unfair but I turned my phone off despite Adam calling me relentlessly. I just needed some time away from him.