What You Can’t Have
The situation was only getting worse. For days, Adam had been trying to make me talk but I just closed off. I didn’t want to address the issue because I was embarrassed about telling him how jealous I actually was about this girl he used to date—whom he loved so much that he actually considered marrying her.
Suddenly, I wanted to know everything about them. Why did they break-up? How did they meet? Was he still in love with her?
I had all these questions inside my head! I felt like exploding!
But I knew Adam could only take so much pushing away. Because on the 7th day, he didn’t even try to engage me over breakfast. He just ate his food and told me he’d be going.
And then he was gone.
I felt really guilty. He didn’t do anything wrong. Did he? He just arrived late at the party, had dinner with the almost Mrs. Walton, and forgot to inform me that he’s still close to her.
There was no reason for me to feel upset.
Right, Bree. When did you become like this?
I hated this situation so I just decided to let go of whatever was eating me up. I decided to go visit Adam and bring him lunch. Maybe we would talk about his ex-fiancée and these thoughts would go away. He would assure me that they’re done and it was nothing but friendly gesture.
And I just hoped that Lauren was already married. I just hated the thought of her still pining over him.
The cook prepared lunch for us while I was fixing myself. I decided to dress up today. I knew Adam loved my simplistic look but I always knew he really liked seeing me dolled up. He also told me he loved my neck—something about it being delectable. I didn’t understand why he had this thing about my neck but I decided to use it to my advantage. I pulled my hair up in a bun so that it’d highlight my neck.
After making sure that I was ready to go, I picked up the lunch and rode the car. Jess was religiously stalking behind me as I waited for the elevator to open. I rode the regular elevator because I didn’t feel entitled enough to use the private one. I didn’t also text Adam that I’d go because I wanted to surprise him.
And I wanted this silly fight to be over. We had been together for more than a year and we still had forever to go. I didn’t want to extend the bad times. I wanted to resume to my little happy life with Adam.
I smiled at his secretary.
“Where’s Adam?” I asked. I didn’t want to just barge in.
“Do you know when he’ll return?”
“I don’t know. He looks rather happy with the company of Ms. Du Pónt.”
I didn’t understand what she said but I told her that I would wait for Adam inside his office. I went inside while Jess stayed out. He knew I was safe inside. All the glass here was bulletproof and there was also a panic room built all for the billionaire’s safety. Though I was yet to ask what were the safety precautions for natural calamities such as earthquake.
There was a library in his office so I busied myself with books. I was so engrossed with reading that I didn’t notice that an hour already passed. And the food was already cold.
I went outside and saw Jess. He stood up upon seeing me.
“Just tell Adam I—” I stopped. Maybe I would just surprise him with dinner, instead. “No, thanks, anyway.”
Inside the car, I gave the food to Jess because it was such a waste. He accepted it without questions because he really didn’t talk until it’s necessary. I didn’t know if it was a part of his training being he was a former US Navy SEALs member. Or maybe because he just didn’t want to talk to me.
Back at the mansion, I decided to read books to pass time. I didn’t have library duty now. I didn’t have anything to do.
When my eyes were already hurting, I decided to just sleep. God, I was so bored! I forced myself to sleep and woke up just in time to prepare dinner. I helped the cook prepare though she told me to just rest. As if I needed more time to rest. All I did in this mansion was rest.
It was not that fun being so rich. Maybe that’s why rich people tend to hold all these events just to humor themselves. Because being rich was boring sometimes.
Especially when you’re someone like me who didn’t like spending money and was used to hustling.
My help in the kitchen was very minimal but I was proud with the end result! The beef bourguignon was cooked to perfection and the meat was so tender. I just had to pick the perfect red wine to go with it. And of course the perfect excuse to tell Adam why I had been such a bitch to him these past few days. I didn’t know if he would accept PMS as reason enough but that would do.
Or maybe the lingerie I picked just for this night would do the trick.
I felt hot thinking about the make-up sex Adam and I would have. God, I missed him so much! It was the longest time we didn’t had sex since we got married! We did it every night for so long. The longest before this fight was 3 days when he had to go to Asia for some meeting and I didn’t want to go with him because the flight was so long that I was drained just by thinking about it.
And this was already making me crazy with wanting!
He usually went home around after 5 so I was already on the edge of my toes when the clock stroke 5.
But minutes passed. An hour passed.
And another hour passed.
Still, no Adam.
I tried to save face. I tried to act like I was okay. All the maids were looking at me with pity and I didn’t need their pity.
“Just throw the food away—or eat it. I don’t care,” I said and then went up to my room and locked myself in. Tears started pooling. My chest felt heavy. I felt so bad and so mad at Adam. I knew I was at fault that I pushed him away but wasn’t I given the license to feel bad because I was jealous?
And he acted as if he wasn’t aware about what he did wrong! What would he feel if I arrived late on him because I ate lunch with my ex who was still hung up on me?!
Trying to sleep was a pathetic attempt to fool myself. I was worried sick. Adam still hadn’t contacted me and it was unlike him. Before, when he fight, no matter how nasty the fight was, he still managed to send me a text or anything just to assure me that he was fine.
Because he knew that I was worried.
Because damn it, I always cared about him.
It was almost midnight when he came home. I jerked from my sleep and sat on the edge of the bed.
“Hi,” he meekly said—as if I didn’t wait for him and as if I wasn’t worried about him.
“I waited for you,” I replied, hoping he’d explain himself to me. I didn’t want to ask. I didn’t want him to think that I was being unreasonable with him. I knew that even though we’re already married, we’re entitled to our privacy. I didn’t want to invade it so I was just hoping that he would be honest with me…
He nodded and he was taking off his tie.
“Yeah, I heard from my secretary.”
My heart throbbed when I heard him say that he didn’t even bother to contact me after learning that I went to see him. This wasn’t my Adam…
I kept my mum after that. I didn’t want to prolong the fight but I didn’t want to swallow what was left of my pride, either. I already did my part. He wasn’t stupid; I knew he knew that the reason why I went there was to make peace with him. I hated fighting with him. I hated sleeping knowing that we weren’t okay.
I hated this silence.
But I wouldn’t dumb myself further down.
Grabbing the robe, I went out and got myself some milk. There was a constricting pain inside my chest. I wanted to cry. I wanted to get mad at him but I knew that somehow, this was my doing… I pushed him away. He tried. He tried to reach out to me but I didn’t let him.
But was it too wrong to get hurt because he gave up too easily?
Because it felt like he gave up already.
When I was done with my milk, instead of going back to our room, I slept in the guest room. I just didn’t have the heart to sleep with him when we’re not okay. I didn’t have the energy to pretend that he wasn’t hurting me with every silence between us.
The next day, I didn’t even bother to join him for breakfast—and somehow, I knew that he didn’t eat breakfast because he was that annoyed with me. That he’d rather go to work with an empty stomach than to sit down for a breakfast with me. So I went down around 9 am and was startled when I saw him reading the newspaper in the living room.
I tried to act normal and tried to walk pass him but I didn’t even get to take the third step when he had me frozen on my spot.
“Finally,” he said, closing the newspaper and standing up. “I’m starting to feel really hungry.”
“Then eat,” I replied sharply.
He held my arm and traced tiny circles on it. “Let us eat.”
“Liar,” he called. “You didn’t eat dinner yesterday.”
“You don’t know that.”
He smiled—just a little. “But I know, babe. Let’s eat, alright?” he asked and then tugged me along until we were in the dining room and food were being served. He kept on putting food on my plate and ignoring every question I was throwing at him. “We’ll talk later. For now, eat,” he said.
True to his words, he didn’t answer any of my questions so I was forced to feed myself. And then, I realized how hungry I actually was. I didn’t eat anything yesterday because I was so disappointed at him. I couldn’t do anything when we’re fighting like this. It was making even breathing hard.
“Why are you here? Don’t you have work?”
“Work can wait. This? Us not talking? This can’t wait,” he said and looked me in the eye. “Bree, babe, even if we’re fighting—because of some reasons I do not know—please, eat.”
I didn’t reply.
“When you’re mad at me and wanted to kill me, still, please don’t starve yourself. I hate it.”
Finally, I nodded.
“Now, let’s talk,” he said when I was finally done eating everything he put on my plate. “Why were—rather are—you mad at me? Did I do something wrong?”
I was breathing and thinking and hating everything at the same time. I didn’t know where to start or how to say it. Would he think that it was totally unfair of me to be mad at him for something that he did years ago—before he met me?
But was it totally my fault that I was so insecure because I wasn’t sure if he still had feelings for his ex?
“Bree, please,” he breathed. “I hate fighting with you. Just tell me the goddamn reason and I’ll try to fix it. I’m not a mind reader. I can’t fix the problem if I don’t know the problem,” he said, exasperated.
He was patient. He waited for me. He waited until I was ready to tell him my problem.
“Why didn’t you tell me about Lauren?”
His brows were furrowed as if he didn’t understand why Lauren was being dragged into this conversation.
“What about her?” he asked, genuinely clueless.
“She’s your ex.”
“And so are Joana, Clary, and Isabelle yet you weren’t curious enough about them,” he said. “What’s happening, Bree?”
I sighed. I didn’t know why I was like this. Before we became serious, we already talked about past relationships and he already mentioned those girls but I was so self-assured that I didn’t manage to dig deeper. But things had been happening and suddenly, I felt insecure.
I felt so little. I felt so useless.
“You proposed to her. Before me.”
“That was years ago.”
“But you loved her enough to propose to her,” I said.
He looked at me as if finally understanding what was happening. He held my hand and softly caressed it.
“But I didn’t love her enough to push through with it,” he replied and that made me ask him why. “I was the one who backed out, Bree. I just didn’t see myself growing old with her.”
“You broke up with her?”
“I don’t do things half-assed, Sabrina Johnson-Walton. I didn’t marry her because I had reservations… And I married you because I know you’re the one for me. When I proposed to you, I was sure you’re it.”
Tears started pooling again and I was sobbing like an idiot.
“I’m in for the long haul. I’m with you for as long as you want me.”
And then I was a crying mess.
“God, Bree, when will you ever realize how much love I have for you?”