What You Can’t Have
It was still a negative.
Adam just got to work and I was here inside our comfort room looking at the negative result of the pregnancy test. I did not know what to feel. I felt like already turning numb because of the constant negative results.
We had been trying for months now but it wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be. I knew Adam was starting to worry about it, too. Maya told me to go to the doctor but I was scared. What if something was wrong with me? What if something was wrong with him? I didn’t want anything to change. I was so happy with how things were. I didn’t want to disrupt anything.
I threw the pregnancy kit in the trash and asked the maid to dispose it quickly. I didn’t want Adam seeing another one of those negativities. It was enough that he was stressed with the company; I didn’t want to cause him any more problems. There was a problem with one of the construction sites of the latest hotel they were building and it was causing lots of setbacks in the project. He was stressed a lot lately.
Sighing, I thought of what to do. I badly wanted to get pregnant so I decided to just let go of my fears and face it. It wasn’t like me to fear things. I was raised to face troubles head on. If I were weak, the people in our house would eat me alive. Both my siblings were really opinionated and I would often get criticized. At first, it hurt a lot but later on, I just decided to accept them and work on getting myself better. I realized that they were right and it actually did me good. I was able to better myself. Their way was harsh but it was disturbingly effective. Good thing it didn’t traumatize me for life.
We had a family doctor on call but I didn’t want to go to him because I wanted to keep this from Adam first. If something was seriously wrong, I wanted to be given time to think on how to fix it up.
Good thing I was able to go around Seattle for the past months. I was extremely bored that I decided to do charity and volunteer works and that allowed me to navigate the city. I wasn’t really from Seattle—it was Adam’s turf and I just moved here when I married him. But I was starting to fall in love with the place. It was good… though I missed Florida a lot.
There was a hospital near the library I visited once. I asked the driver to drop me off there. The bodyguard, Jess, waited for me outside. I had a hard time losing them but I had to. If I asked them to bring me to the hospital, they would inform Adam at once and I wanted to keep this under wraps until I had everything under control.
I went to the restroom and there was an exit there and I quickly went there. I knew Jess would panic but that was for later to worry about.
“Good morning. Do you have an appointment?” the nurse asked me. I shook my head. “Oh, alright. Dr. Lacey is free right now. She should be able to attend to you in a minute,” she said and then asked me to wait in a room. After a few minutes, a doctor arrived.
She asked me series of questions and I answered them as honestly as I could. I really wanted this to happen and I would have done anything to make it possible. There were also certain tests to be done and I agreed.
I just wanted to get pregnant so bad. Why was it so unfair? So many unprepared teenagers got knocked up and they didn’t even want the baby… And here I was. I was so prepared. I was responsible. And Adam and I could provide a good life for the baby… But it was so hard to achieve.
“So, after a few days, you could come back here to get the results,” she told me.
“Thanks, doc,” I replied. I was about to go out of the hospital when I passed by the NICU. I stopped and looked at the babies. They looked heavenly. My heart clenched at the sight of them. A said smile dawned on my face.
Jess looked like he was going to have a heart attack when I saw him.
“I got hungry,” I lied. I showed him the bagel I bought on the way back. “You want some?”
He shook his head but I could still see how worried he was. I couldn’t blame him. It was his job to keep me safe. I understood that but sometimes, I got annoyed. It was tiring having someone follow you everywhere. He was like my shadow. But it was necessary according to Adam. And I knew he was right. I married a billionaire and I didn’t want to get kidnapped.
I helped out in returning the returned books to their shelves and helped in cataloging. When it was lunch time, I decided to drop by Adam’s office.
“Is Adam inside?” I asked his blonde secretary. She wasn’t very nice to me. She even threatened to call security on me when I first went here. Adam almost fired her but I assured him that I was fine. I got worse. Those kinds of thing didn’t even bother me because my family made sure that I got the worst comments from them. So these kind of things from other people were pieces of cake.
“He’s inside,” she informed me. She just briefly looked at me. Maybe she was still terrified. Adam could be really scary when he’s mad—especially here in his building. He’s very different from the Adam I knew. Here, he was the boss. And he always meant business.
When I got inside, I saw him reading something on his laptop.
“Hey,” I said, announcing my presence. He looked up and automatically smiled upon seeing me.
“Well, isn’t this a pleasant surprise?”
“Do you have time to have lunch with your wife?” I asked him. I rarely visited in his office because I knew how busy he could be and I didn’t want to interrupt anything. Even I knew how hard it was to run a billion dollar company.
He immediately closed his laptop and stood up. He went near me and leaned in and kissed me.
“Of course,” he said. “Just let me finish something. And have Nancy call the restaurant you like for reservation.”
I did as he asked and told Nancy to reserve a table for two in Adam’s favorite restaurant. She didn’t look so happy. I thought she was pretty but her constant scowl in her face was making her rather unpleasant.
“Let’s go?” Adam placed his hand on the little of my back and led the way. People were looking at us—rather Adam. Most were female employees.
“You’re quite a hottie in here, huh?”
“So many female admirers, my husband. Should I get worried?” I kidded.
We went inside the elevator that was intended for executive use only. He pressed the B1.
“I thought you’re already aware what a catch I am?”
I laughed at his confidence. He wasn’t conceited in front of anyone other than me. Most of people viewed him as this very serious business magnate when in fact, he’s such a hopeless comedian with lame remarks.
“Always the humble one, Adam.”
“Just being honest, Bree. So get knocked up already so we’ll really be together forever.”
I knew he meant well and he was kidding but I felt a lump in my throat with just a mere mention of being pregnant. Maybe it was still a sore subject for me especially now that our future was hanging by a thin thread… It was still days before I could get the result and every second of waiting was hard.
“What? Something wrong?” he asked worriedly.
I smiled. “Nothing.”
“Are you sure?”
And the elevator pinged open.
“Yes,” I assured him.
We went to his favorite restaurant and ate. He also told me about their latest projects and it was a delight to see him enjoying his work. Most people dreaded their work but Adam was different. He liked what he was doing.
“I’m sorry. I kept on talking about my work. How about you? Anything interesting to share?” he asked.
“Well, people should stop having s*x in the library,” I said. I wasn’t about to tell him about my short trip to the hospital. “I mean, I get the thrill but seeing naked couple was starting to be a part of my daily happenings.”
He laughed and it was wonderful. I loved hearing him laugh. I loved making him happy. I wished I could forever make him happy. This man deserved all the happiness because he was my happiness.
“Babe, that library’s starting to intrigue me. Maybe you should sign me up for some volunteer work, too, huh?”
“You just want to see the action.”
“Well, if that’s a part of the job, then who I am a complain?”
I shook my head at his reason.
“Babe,” he called. “Do you want to organize a party?”
“I mean, if you just want. I just figured the library wasn’t enough to keep you busy because you managed to runaway from Jess.”
My jaw fell.
“Jess reports everything to me. I’m not mad, okay, babe? You’re safe so I’m good. But next time, just don’t do that again. You’d kill me if something bad happens to you. Okay?”
I bit my lower lip.
“It’s okay, babe. I just don’t want anything bad happening to you. It’ll destroy me.”
I looked at him and I saw genuine concern on his face. What did I do to deserve him? He was so perfect and he loved me so much. I never understood what he saw in me. He could have had anyone but he chose me.
“I went to the doctor,” I confessed. I knew I thought of withdrawing information until I saw sure but seeing how concerned he was tugged my heart. I knew he would understand.
Panic was written all over his face.
“Is something wrong? What happened? Did you get hurt?” he asked, clearly really worried.
“No, no,” I told him. “I just wanted to know if something was wrong with me…”
His brows were knitted. I took a deep breath.
“It was negative again, Adam… We’d been trying for almost a year and I’m already beginning to think that something might be wrong with me. What if I was infertile? You should have really insisted on getting me checked before marrying me. It was my—”
He cut me off.
“Bree, where’s this coming from?”
Tears were starting to pool in my eyes. I bit my lower lip. I didn’t want to cause a scene in this restaurant but this situation was causing me pain. It pained me to not be able to give kids to Adam.
It was like I was a failure as a woman. As a person.
I already failed my parents when I didn’t purse law… Now, I was failing Adam because I couldn’t bear a child.
“Adam, what if I can’t give you kids?” I asked as tears rolled down my face. “Will you love me less?”
Adam stood up and went to me. He pulled me up and hugged me. Amidst all the people who could see us, he enclosed me in his arms.
“Good God, Bree. Why do you think like that? Of course not. I married you because you’re the only person I can see myself spending the rest of my life with. If we have kids, then we have kids. And if we don’t, then I can have all your love and attention. So really, it’s a win-win situation for me.”
I was still sobbing. He broke the hug and cupped my face.
“Sabrina Johnson-Walton, I love you, not your uterus. I don’t know if this is reassuring to you but I love having s*x with you. If it gives us kids, then that’s just a pleasant bonus. So please, stop feeling bad.”
He looked at me.
“Good. Because I love you so much, Bree. Don’t ever doubt that, okay?”