What You Can’t Have
My eyes felt sore and my head felt like breaking any moment now.
Staying in bed was the best option but my throat felt so dry and I needed to drink water. I stood up and grabbed my robe. While I was walking outside, I just noticed that the bed was empty.
Where’s Adam? I asked myself… and then laughed at the hilarity of the situation. Why would he be here when we didn’t sleep in the same bed? I woke up in the middle of my sleep and found myself alone in his humungous bed. I tried looking for him and then I saw him sleeping in his study room.
We still weren’t OK.
And I was beginning to fear that we would never be.
The sun was already blazing when I reached downstairs. The curtains were all open and I could see outside from where I was standing.
“Good morning, Mrs. Walton,” one of the maids greeted me. “Mr. Walton is already in the dining room,” she continued to inform me.
Oh, he’s still here…
I braced myself as I began walking. This was my house, too, and I didn’t want to hide from him. I knew soon, we’d have to talk about this problem again but I didn’t have the heart—and the will to address the same, old issue again and again…
So for now, I’d have to be civil. Though I wanted to kick him for accusing me of cheating when I had done nothing but ask him to save our marriage.
“Orange juice, please,” I said to the maid and then she poured me a freshly squeezed orange juice. I began to eat heartily because no amount of annoyance could stop me from eating. I was beyond famished from all the shouting we had engaged in last night. I needed to regain my strength. I didn’t know when Adam’s ex would decide to grace me with her appearance once again.
I was so focused on what I was eating that for a moment, I actually forgot that Adam was in front of me. It was him calling out my name that made me remember that he was there with me.
“Bree,” he called my name and I looked at him. I didn’t say anything because every time we would talk, it always ended up with the both of us fighting. And I was too tired of that.
I was just so done with us arguing.
So I just looked at him and raised my brow… because that’s the closest thing to conversation that he could get from me.
“I’ll pick you up later. Let’s have lunch together.”
I shook my head and then stuffed my mouth with bread.
“Are you doing something?”
I sighed. I didn’t want to talk but he was making it hard.
“I’ll be cleaning the guest room,” I answered and that made his forehead wrinkle.
His jaw was already hard and I could see that I touched a nerve… again. This was why I didn’t want to speak in the first place. It always ended up with this. Repeatedly.
“I’ll be moving there for a while,” I said nonchalantly. I heard him curse. He was frustrated with me but I couldn’t care less. I was just done with his shits. If he didn’t want to fix us, then I was done, too. I didn’t want to paddle the boat that the both of us were riding.
This was a game for two… and I wasn’t willing to be a one-man team for us.
“Bree,” he breathed. “We just made up. Why are you trying to pick a fight with me again?”
“We didn’t make up, Adam. Stop pretending that we’re OK when clearly, we’re not.”
The maids began leaving the two of us. Lately, all we had been doing was fighting that it was making me start to get used to it.
“I thought we’re fine—”
“We aren’t, Adam! Stop fooling yourself!” I shouted. I couldn’t listen any more to his illusions. What part last night did convince him that we were fine—or anything close to that?! Was it the part when I shouted?! Or was it the part when I almost cried because I was just too pissed at him for accusing me of cheating?!
I just didn’t know what the hell was he thinking when he thought that we were fine!
“We’re not fine. We’re not OK. We’d never been good for a long time! When will you start accepting that?!”
I stood up and began walking. But he followed.
“Bree,” he said and then held my arm.
I halted and then faced him.
But he didn’t.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “Please.” His voice croaked. “I’m so tired, Bree… I’m so tired of fighting and screaming and you wanting to get away from me. I’m so fucking done with you running away from me because it’s hurting me already.”
I tried to look away because I couldn’t bear the sight of him crying. I had never seen him cry this way before. I had never seen him this tired. I had never seen him this hopeless.
“What do you want me to do? Do you want me to erase Lauren from my life because I’ll do it if that’s what will make you happy.”
I was silent. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.
He held my arm and then made me look at him.
“Bree… Please… Stop torturing me… I’ll grovel if I have to… Just please stop this…”
No matter what I say, no matter what I do… He still didn’t get me.
“Not everything is about you, Adam. Get over yourself.”
I thought walking away from him would be the hardest thing to do in my life… but why was this becoming normal… and the pain was subsiding…
The day was spent arranging the guest room. I transferred all the essential things I needed and then I even bought a double lock for the door. I didn’t want Adam barging in when he wanted to. I needed my space away from him and I was serious about that.
After I was done with my new room, I called Maya and told her we’d get dinner together.
“Something’s changed,” she commented when she saw me. “You look different.”
“Different good or different bad?”
She knitted her eyebrow as if I just asked her a multi-dollar question.
“The good one,” she said after a long deliberation. “You looked radiant.”
I shrugged. I didn’t want to comment on how radiant I looked when in fact, I was in the middle of a fight with my husband. Though I was pissed at Adam, I didn’t want to air our dirty laundry. I’d tell Maya in time but not now. And I was pretty sure she’d get the drift since she’s my best friend and she knew me too well.
“So, where’d you go?” she asked.
“Was it any good?”
“Ooh. Spill! I love that smile! Tells me something juicy happened!” she said and then giggled like a high school girl—which was totally uncharacteristic of her given that she was wearing a corporate uniform.
I reached for the water. “Nothing,” I said.
“Oh, spare me from that. I know you better than you know yourself, chika! So spill!”
“Seriously, nothing. I just met this guy—”
“Was he cute?”
I glared at her.
“I am married!” I hissed.
“What?” she asked as if she was innocent. “You’re so defensive!”
I rolled my eyes. “Because you’re already putting colors in what happened!”
She laughed at me. “You know me too well, Sab,” she said whilst laughing still. We continued to talk and she continued to make me talk about this guy. Seriously, she was making me guilty…
It was an innocent friendship with Zach but with the way she was acting… and the way Adam acted… it was like I just committed adultery.
“He’s just a friend,” I said with conviction. I didn’t like her tone and I didn’t like her hinting that there was something more to it.
She shrugged. “If you say so.”
I chose to be quiet after that. We decided to finish our meal with silence and when the bill came, I gave my card.
“You’re using your old card?” she asked and I nodded. “Still not good with Adam, huh?”
I smiled bitterly.
“This is the part where you’d say ‘the honeymoon is over, babe,’” I mimicked her tone and tried to lighten up the mood but she was serious.
“Bree, I know I joke a lot about your relationship with Adam but seriously, I hope you two patch things up. It’s such a waste to see a beautiful relationship go to waste because of miscommunication. It’s the worst reason for couples to break up because fuck it, you two can talk it out.”
I didn’t comment because I didn’t want to explain myself again. Maya was my best friend and I respected her opinions but I had been there and I had done all that I could to mend us.
But nothing worked… until he’s not willing to see what the real problem was.
“I’ll see you again soon, alright?” she said after hugging me.
I smiled. “When you’re not too busy being a kickass lawyer, sure,” I said and then winked at her.
“Maybe you mean kissing asses,” she said and then laughed. “Bye! Say hi to Adam for me!” she continued and then blew me kisses.
The driver drove me back home and when I returned there, the maid informed me that Adam was at the dining room.
“Where were you?” he asked, his voice calm but I could feel the menace behind it. I knew him… I knew him too well.
“With Maya,” I replied. I saw food served. It looked like a feast. “Are you expecting a guest?” I asked him because the spread was too much for him alone.
He forced a smile on his face.
“I was expecting to have a dinner with my wife,” he said, his voice sounded so resigned. For a moment, my heart melted and I wanted to just give in and have dinner with him.
Of course he ruined it again for me.
“But I guess that I wasn’t even deserving of that anymore.”
I heaved a deep breath to stop myself from retorting. Why was it my fault every time? When he made me wait over and over again, it was fine… But when I was living my life, suddenly I had to feel guilty for actually living? Why was he so fucking unfair?
But I was done fighting. In time, we’d be OK again… But now that the wound was still fresh, I’d like to distance myself from him as much as I could. I wanted to minimize the destruction as much as I possibly could.
“Next time, inform me. I don’t sit here all day waiting for you. Not anymore,” I said before walking away from him. Again.