Late Night Thoughts

It’s almost midnight. I’m supposed to be sleeping right now, but because I’m stupid, I drank coffee… And now, I can’t sleep. But that’s okay. I kinda want to write a blog (to be able to get my money’s worth because I paid money for this site lmao). I have a lot of things in my mind. I think I’m currently at a crossroad. I think I finally reached that point in school where I’m questioning if I’m gonna go through with school…

BECAUSE IT IS SO HARD.

H A R D.

It’s the kind of hard that makes me want to pull all my hair out. I’m really having a hard time right now that I feel like crying hahaha. I have a lot of people I can talk to about this, but I really know that if I start talking, I’d end up crying, and that’s the last thing that I want to do right now. I know my friends will cheer me up, but deep inside, I’m the only one who can fix this. I’m the only one who knows what I really want…

But I don’t know yet. 

I know, I know, I love learning… I love learning about law, most especially. But lately, it’s just getting really hard, and every day, I’d wake up with fear in my heart. As in legit fear. I start my mornings thinking about how I’d survive this day… or if this is the day when I’d finally snap. (Lol thanks to my parents for always checking up on me. They know how hard school is, and they’re afraid that I’m gonna snap… to be honest, I’m kinda scared, too hahaha). I had fear even before I decided to go to law school. I was scared if I’d fit in. I was scared if I could actually do it… And I think I fit in. I think I’m doing okay… but there’s still this nagging feeling inside me. There’s this gnawing fear inside me that’s telling me to stop. Or at least take a break.

It’s not healthy. I spend hours every day, dreading and fearing my classes. Actually, I like my professors this sem… They’re all nice and I know I have a lot to learn from them, it’s just that the subjects just keep on getting harder. And I’m only on my second year! What more in my third year? Or fourth?! I know that as a student, I should rise up to the challenge… but there comes a point where you just want to take a beat, you know? Rest. But there’s no room for rest in school. Every day, it’s a new test. Every day, there are new concepts to learn and memorize by heart. It’s a continuous battle that I need to win…

But what if I’m tired?

I’m lucky because my parents keep on telling me that I don’t need to go to law school. I don’t need to get that Atty. before my name. They keep on reminding me that they’re already so proud of me… I think I’m the real problem here because I don’t know when to stop. I’m very ambitious. I want to be a lawyer. I’ve been dreaming about this for so long. I never thought I’d be able to get here, but I’m here now…

So, why will I stop? Why now? I worked so hard to get here… why stop?

My thoughts are scattered, I’m aware. I’m just really tired. I want to get this all out.

To you reading this, if you’re interested in going to law school, I suggest you think really hard because it’s not all rainbows and unicorns. Law school’s mostly composed of bad days… and little triumphs. It’s a place where you’d get used to getting shouted at, and being okay with it because I guess that’s how tough lawyers are formed.  And when things get really rough, it’s when you’d have to remember why did you even start in the first place? You have to really want to go here for you to actually stay. Because if you’re here just for the heck of it, WHY EVEN.

I guess I just have to go back to the basics.

Why did I go here? 

I have to remember the feeling.

 

10 thoughts on “Late Night Thoughts”

  1. Hi Ate Eydee. I would just like to remind you of your words, “you rest when you’re tired, you stop when you’re done.” Kasi I always find myself going back to these words din when I feel na sobrang nonsense ng path na tinitake ko ngayon kahit gusto ko naman siya. Kasi parang ang pointless ng paghihirap ko when I could do other things na mas convenient and less hassle. But we do what we love kasi alam natin in the end, it will be worth it. So rest ka na, and tomorrow is another day. Laban lang.

  2. just like kitty po sa una gsto nya ng sumuko pero lumaban sya ….kaya nyo po yan gaya po ng sabe nyo anjan na kayo at iyon ang inyong gsto …just believe in ur self coz we believe in you po…..GOODLUCK GODBLESS…

  3. Hi Ariessa, yeah right you just have to remember your question “why”. Just a thought also that if you’re in your second year it would be your formative year so that’s why it is difficult. I think just like doctors you have the same feelings that it is really difficult. I believe that when you got another year up it would be difficult but it is in a different level. But it is still you, your question “why” at the end of the day, you’re the one to answer it. Just a thought for you. God bless you always. Aja!

  4. Good morning!
    Medyo teary eye ako kasi naman yung feel nya was the feeling of my man. Yes, law student din sya ng Beda. And sinasabi nya sa ‘kin di yun madali. Iba ang schedule nya araw araw at kadalasan 4 hrs lang sleep nya. Nagpa-power nap sya ng 20 or 30 mins kapag nagre-reading para di sumakit ulo nya. Lagi syang puyat as in gising pa sya ng 4am dahil sa lintik na readings na yan. Tapos need nya pang mag advance study dahil baka mamayang 6:30pm yung Atty sa subjects nya magparecit kaya dapat may dala syang bala panama sa mga tanong. Naaawa pa nga ako minsan kasi nagkwekwento sya na sinigawan at minaliit sya ng Atty nila. Like ‘P.I bakit ka nakapasok dito?!’ Hindi kasi yun nagmumura and for him masakit murahin lalo na yung maliitin ka loob ng klase. Gigising pa sya ng 8:30am para magstudy ulit tapos ngayon may laban ng basketball ang law schools kaya nagtre-training minsan sila sa hapon tapos pasok ulit. 🙁

    Naisip na rin nyang tumigil. Pakiramdam nya kasi baka hindi para sa kanya ang pagiging lawyer. Araw araw na lang sya nagtitiis and nagtyatyaga. Kinakabahan pa minsan kasi may mga kupal na Atty na di tugma ang pagbibigay ng grades sa ibang students.

    Pero ayun nga, pinagpapatuloy nya pa rin. True ate Eydee dapat balikan kung bakit ka pumasok sa law school at bakit ka nag simula. Sabi ni Effie sa ‘kin, fight lang ginusto kaya dapat panindigan pero di ibigsabihin nun walang pahinga. Pahinga konti sabay aral ulit.

    Huhuhu Ate Eydee, I know your feels. Nagdradrama rin kasi yun sa ‘kin. Kung nahihirapan ka isipin mo yung future. Yung after lahat ng yan makukuha mo ang pinaka want mo. Di sya madali kaya more motivation ang need and konting pahinga.

    Now, di kami nakapag usap ng maayos ng man ko kasi may aaralin siya. Ginulat daw kasi sila nung Atty kaya need mag aral. Kaya yan ate Eydee!

  5. Don’t give up just yet ate—No don’t give up until you’ve reached the end of the game. We’re all here for you. Beyond the digital boundaries we love you.

  6. Imma leave this for you ate 🙂

    “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” -Isaiah 41:10

  7. imma leave this to you ate 🙂

    Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

  8. Kitty actually said that ‘im ambitious, I know it will be my downfall’ something like that but heeeey she made it and we know that you have the same fear with her but you made her finished the law school meaning you want it also for yourself. Good luck. Find that feelings

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