It’s almost midnight. I’m supposed to be sleeping right now, but because I’m stupid, I drank coffee… And now, I can’t sleep. But that’s okay. I kinda want to write a blog (to be able to get my money’s worth because I paid money for this site lmao). I have a lot of things in my mind. I think I’m currently at a crossroad. I think I finally reached that point in school where I’m questioning if I’m gonna go through with school…
BECAUSE IT IS SO HARD.
H A R D.
It’s the kind of hard that makes me want to pull all my hair out. I’m really having a hard time right now that I feel like crying hahaha. I have a lot of people I can talk to about this, but I really know that if I start talking, I’d end up crying, and that’s the last thing that I want to do right now. I know my friends will cheer me up, but deep inside, I’m the only one who can fix this. I’m the only one who knows what I really want…
But I don’t know yet.
I know, I know, I love learning… I love learning about law, most especially. But lately, it’s just getting really hard, and every day, I’d wake up with fear in my heart. As in legit fear. I start my mornings thinking about how I’d survive this day… or if this is the day when I’d finally snap. (Lol thanks to my parents for always checking up on me. They know how hard school is, and they’re afraid that I’m gonna snap… to be honest, I’m kinda scared, too hahaha). I had fear even before I decided to go to law school. I was scared if I’d fit in. I was scared if I could actually do it… And I think I fit in. I think I’m doing okay… but there’s still this nagging feeling inside me. There’s this gnawing fear inside me that’s telling me to stop. Or at least take a break.
It’s not healthy. I spend hours every day, dreading and fearing my classes. Actually, I like my professors this sem… They’re all nice and I know I have a lot to learn from them, it’s just that the subjects just keep on getting harder. And I’m only on my second year! What more in my third year? Or fourth?! I know that as a student, I should rise up to the challenge… but there comes a point where you just want to take a beat, you know? Rest. But there’s no room for rest in school. Every day, it’s a new test. Every day, there are new concepts to learn and memorize by heart. It’s a continuous battle that I need to win…
But what if I’m tired?
I’m lucky because my parents keep on telling me that I don’t need to go to law school. I don’t need to get that Atty. before my name. They keep on reminding me that they’re already so proud of me… I think I’m the real problem here because I don’t know when to stop. I’m very ambitious. I want to be a lawyer. I’ve been dreaming about this for so long. I never thought I’d be able to get here, but I’m here now…
So, why will I stop? Why now? I worked so hard to get here… why stop?
My thoughts are scattered, I’m aware. I’m just really tired. I want to get this all out.
To you reading this, if you’re interested in going to law school, I suggest you think really hard because it’s not all rainbows and unicorns. Law school’s mostly composed of bad days… and little triumphs. It’s a place where you’d get used to getting shouted at, and being okay with it because I guess that’s how tough lawyers are formed. And when things get really rough, it’s when you’d have to remember why did you even start in the first place? You have to really want to go here for you to actually stay. Because if you’re here just for the heck of it, WHY EVEN.
I guess I just have to go back to the basics.
Why did I go here?
I have to remember the feeling.