He Only Kinda Likes Me
After the stunt Adam pulled, I can’t get myself to get mad at him. I just can’t! It was insane. That guy had hurt me far more times than I can even begin to imagine yet one single post can melt my pain away. Crazy how human heart works, really…
So I took a deep breath and went in. I had no idea how to explain myself to Owen. I owe him so much now! He didn’t even need to help me yet he was going out of his way to do so… and now I ditched him. I felt so awful. He’s so nice and I was taking advantage of that good heart. I think I have a tin can inside my ribcage to be able to do such a thing.
“Spence!” Silas called me when he noticed me standing beside the door like an idiot. I can’t decide on how to properly handle the situation. “Where the hell have you been?!” he stood up and held me by my shoulders and checked me as if he was looking for any injury of concussion. “I’ve been calling you but you’re not answering!”
“I’m okay,” I told him.
“I’ll fucking kill Adam once I see him!”
Ah, shit. Why did I call Silas earlier?! I already knew how he was with my feelings for Adam and now, I just made the situation far more complicated. Great!
“No harm done, Silas. Quit worrying, okay? I’m fine,” I said and then turned around. “See? Good as new,” I continued and then walked pass him. I took a huge breath when I looked at Owen. He didn’t look mad. Ugh! I wish he’d get mad so it would be easier! I was just feeling guiltier because he’s not mad! I felt like a sinner and he’s the saint!
“Hey,” I said.
“Hey,” he replied. He got something from his bag and showed it to me. “Got a copy of the book and began reading it again.”
I smiled. “Oh…” I said. I didn’t know how to start apologizing so I just closed my eyes and let the words flow. “I’m sorry!” I said. “I was with Adam earlier and I kinda lost track of time. I really didn’t mean to bail out on you, really.”
When I was done, I felt a huge relief on my chest. I was used to lying since I was a kid but it just didn’t feel right lying to Owen. He’s so nice to me so I just can’t bring myself to lie to him. Especially when he’s looking at me like that!
He shrugged. “Had a clue,” he replied.
He raised his phone as if doing so would make me understand what he meant. “Adam posted a picture of you,” he said and a flash of recognition shot through my face. If he saw that, then everyone who follows Adam might have seen that! I mentally palmed my head.
“God, I’m so sorry you had to know that there,” I said, really sorry.
“It’s fine,” he said. Everything’s fine with this guy. I was starting to wonder what could possibly tick him off. His patience’s really amazing! “Let’s begin?”
The word study doesn’t really go well with Silas so as soon as we began talking about academics, he left us alone. When my mom arrived, she ordered pizza for us. And when my dad arrived, he gave Owen a sharp stare and it made me kind of laugh because Owen looked pale right after my dad left.
“He’s just like that,” I told him. “But he’s cool.”
“Yeah… certainly feels like it.”
I shook my head and then we continued writing the outline for our paper. When we were almost done, I asked for a break while Owen told me he’d just go out to get something. While he was out, I whipped my phone out and stalked Adam’s Instagram. I couldn’t help but smile whenever I would read his caption.
I will never move on from him, would I?
There were couple of comments asking what’s really the score between us two but there were people who answered those questions telling them that we’re just best friends. Everyone in school knew that. I was Adam’s best friend, nothing more… But who knows? Life’s unpredictable. Maybe one day Adam will realize that I am the best girl for him and we’ll live happily ever after… or maybe one day I’d be really hurt and finally find myself actually moving on from him.
But I shouldn’t worry about those things. I should worry about what’s here. I should worry about the present and let tomorrow take care of itself.
When Owen arrived, we just finished the outline and then decided to just write the paper by ourselves.
“Thanks,” I said.
“You should really control saying thanks and sorry. It’s turning into a habit,” he said.
“Well, I see nothing wrong with being appreciative and knowing when you’re wrong.”
“But sometimes, people just want to do stuff for you without expecting anything and there’s nothing wrong with doing what you want to do without feeling sorry for it.” By the time he was done, my brows were furrowed like crazy. He’s so cryptic sometimes! “Anyway, good night.”
“Good night…” I said as I watch him sped off the driveway.
I went back inside and saw Silas eating a slice of pizza and putting hotsauce like a madman that he was. It’s just so unfair that he can eat all he wants without getting worried about gaining weight! I already ate burger earlier so I can’t eat pizza tonight! Not if I wanted to look decent for the party next, next week!
“So, you two together now?”
“What? God, no!” What made him think of that?! I’ve been spending time with Owen for two days! Did he think that was enough for me to fall in love with him?! I spent a year with Adam before I saw myself being in love with him. I just can’t love someone without really getting to know him first. I needed to know him beyond the superficial level before I can see myself loving him. It’s just how it works for me.
“Huh,” he said before he took a huge slice of his pizza. “I’d appreciate it more if you’d like Owen instead of Adam.”
I rolled my eyes at him. “Stop meddling with my life, Silas. And stop meddling with my imaginary date-life.”
“Well, I am your twin so it kinda means that I get to meddle with your life… And please, dating is for girls like you.”
“You’re such a pig.”
“At least I’m not in love with Adam,” he said before he left me alone. Ugh! I can’t live with him anymore!
I went upstairs and cleaned myself before I plopped on my bed. I wanted to sleep but the scenes earlier kept on repeating inside my head like a broken record. I kept on reliving the moments between Adam and I. Gods, if only that could be our reality, it would be so awesome! If only Adam would see me as a girl and not his best friend, then life would be easier for all of us. I was sure if only Silas knew how much I really care for Adam, he’d let me love him. It’s just really hard because he’d been friends with Adam for so long and he’s so familiar with how he tosses girls every now and then. He does the same thing to girls but he doesn’t want that for his sister…
I know he’s just being really protective of me but how will I grow if I won’t get hurt?
My eyes were almost close when my phone rang. I reached for it from my nigh stand and answered it without looking at that caller ID.
“Hey, you still up?”
I automatically sat on my bed when I heard his voice. My sleepy-state was gone the moment I heard his voice. This was his effect in my system! He can always get me on the edge of my toes with just his voice! I checked the caller ID just to make sure that it was Adam. Gods, it’s been so long since he called me so late at night! It felt like forever had already passed since then!
“Y-yeah,” I said, trying to keep my heart at bay. “Why?”
“Nothing. Just want to talk to you like the old times…”
My heart started thumping wild inside my chest. It indeed felt like the old times… those times when I would think that there’s more to it than it really was. I knew he only sees me as a friend but it’s hard not to hope when he’s being really sweet to me. I can’t get the signal he’s sending when it’s always mixed.
I wouldn’t be able to get my shit together when he’s always messing me up.
“You’re starting to creep me out, Adam,” I said just to act normal. I didn’t know why up to now, Adam still can’t see how badly I was in love with him. I mean, I practically worship the ground he walks on! I was pretty sure the look of being hurt was always present on my face whenever he’d introduce someone new to me as his girlfriend… Or maybe the reason why he can’t see was because he wasn’t trying to see… Maybe I was just really a friend. Maybe that’s all I was going to be for him. “We’re cool so no need to be like this, ‘kay?”
“Come on. We usually talk at night, remember?”
“Uhuh. But now, you’re just doing this to ease your guilty conscience.”
It was I could see him smiling while shaking his head. Damn! I really knew him inside out! “You know me so well, woman. You really do.”
And damn it if it wasn’t my turn to smile.
“Well, years of being with you taught me well, huh?”
“Yeah. We’ve known each other for a long time. I can’t believe time had passed since the first time I met you,” he said. I remember when we first moved in here in LA from New Jersey, everything was strange for me. Everyone looked like a movie-star and I didn’t know anyone. I was really shy back then and it was really hard for me to make new friends… while Silas, on the other hand, already got a few in just a span of days. I spent my first week in LA just hanging around my mom because I got no friends… Until Adam approached me and asked me if I wanted to join them in their movie night. It was the first time I had a crush on someone I barely knew… and when I did get to know him, I fell in love with him.
And I’ve been stuck in that hellhole for the longest of time.
“You were a lot nicer back then.”
“I’m still nice!” he argued.
“You weren’t such a womanizing ass back then.”
“Well… it’s hard to keep my hands to myself when there are plenty of willing victims, right?” Truth. There were plenty of girls who would literally throw themselves at Adam just to have a piece of him. Can’t blame them! But I also can’t blame my heart from getting hurt with his upfront womanizing ways. I fell in love with a player so I should have known what I was getting myself into.
I tried to keep my voice the same way it was. I didn’t want him to notice how much he’d hurt me with a single sentence.
“Of course,” I said. I faked a yawn. I still wanted to talk to him but I didn’t want to subject myself to getting hurt again whenever we’d talk about how he’ll never see me the way I wanted him to. “I really want to talk to you but I’m so sleepy…” I said.
“Sure. Good night, Spence.”
“Good night, Adam.”
“Dream of me, ‘kay?”
I always do.