He Only Kinda Likes Me
What Owen said got stuck inside my head. I knew he’s right. For years, I’ve known that the best thing for me was to stop these crazy feelings I got for Adam. He doesn’t like me and he probably never will. We’ve known each other for 3 years and still, nada! It was just me who puts color in everything he does for me. For him, it’s probably all harmless gesture. But I do have feelings for him… so I blow everything out of proportion and that’s my biggest problem.
So the next morning, I can’t eat. My mom noticed it.
“Honey, something wrong?” she asked me and worry was laced in her voice. I wish I could just tell mom about my problem. I mean, it’d be nice to have someone to talk about this in our house. I only have Moira to talk about my Adam-related problems and when she’s not available, I have no one. I need to have more friends.
I shook my head. “It’s nothing,” I told her.
“You sure?” she asked me once more and I nodded. Good thing one of her friends called her so she dropped the topic. I can’t have her know that I have feelings for Adam because she’d certainly tell my dad about it and I can’t have that! My father’s really protective of me (as in crazy protective) and I was pretty sure he wouldn’t let Adam anywhere near our house once he knew about my feelings.
It was enough that I was competing with his lady friends for some alone time. I can’t have my strongest connection with him cut off.
“Morning,” Silas greeted me.
“Morning,” I greeted back.
“What’s your problem?” he asked me as he helped himself over a platter of bacon and eggs. It’s so unfair! I only eat a very small bread every morning but then I gain weight like crazy! But Silas? He eats like a madman everyday but not one ounce of fat in his body! So unfair!
He nodded. “So, Adam again?” he said and I shrugged. “What do you even see in him? You know he’s a player.”
“Birds of the same feather flock together and I’m living with one of the birds so what do I know,” I rebutted. “Besides, he’s your friend, Silas. You should be happy that I’m in love with your friend and not some druggie out there. That is a big possibility, you know,” I told him. I mean, I watch TV and I’ve seen how most girls my age fall for people who do drugs. Apparently, batshit crazy guys with dilated pupils is the new attractive in my generation. He should be really thankful that I am not attracted to those people!
“Because he’s my friend and it’s just fuckin’ weird.”
“Well, you’re screwing my friend and you don’t hear me complaining, right?” I told him and his eyes almost budged from their sockets. I smirked. “Oh, yeah. I know about you and Moira, you asshole.”
I’m not blind… and most certainly not deaf. We live under the same roof and my room is next to his! I could hear their muffled moans every freaking night!
“How—why? What the fuck?!”
I rolled my eyes at him. “Oh, for the love of heaven, Silas. I don’t care if you’re sleeping with Moira. I’ve warned her plenty about your evil ways and she’s a free man. If she wants to be with you, then so be it. But just so you know, if ever you hurt her, always remember that I have access to your room,” I told him. I love Moira but that girl’s crazy—well, maybe that’s why we’re friends. We’re both in love with players. Silas is my brother but he’s no saint.
“It’s different,” Silas said.
“Really? Why so? Enlighten me, brother,” I replied. I wanted to eat more bread and gods! Those strips of bacon looked so enticing! Okay, Spencer, remember you have prom in two months! You need to fit inside a dress!
‘A minute on the lips, a lifetime on the hips,’ I kept on repeating inside my head as I fought against the temptation brought by meat.
“When Moira and I first slept,” he said and I cringed at the mental image of them. Silas must have seen my horrified expression so he rolled his eyes at me. “When we first slept together, I made clear that it’s nothing serious.”
My brows furrowed. “And this enlightens me how?”
He shook his head at me. I should be the frustrated one! He just admitted that he’s such a player! My brother’s a pig!
“I’m not leading Moira on. I tell her the score and she said she’s fine with it.”
“Silas, I really am not getting anything here,” I told him. Why did I talk to him in the first place? He’s really not the best person to talk about love and feelings because he clearly doesn’t have a heart. He’s just using his man-parts.
He sighed. “Spence, you’re my sister and I want to respect your feelings but it’s hard when I see Adam leading you on and dropping you and then lead you on again. It’s a fucking endless cycle.”
“That’s not true!” I shouted. Mom came back and I had to tell her that it’s nothing. When she was gone, I sneered at Silas. “He’s not leading me on.”
Silas shook his head. “Come on, Spence. You’re a smart girl. You know what’s the real deal between you and Adam.”
I stood up and got my bag. “Know what? You’re one to talk when it’s basically the same thing you’re doing to most girls in our school.” We’re supposed to go to school together but I didn’t think I was in the mood to ride with him. I get that he’s just being protective of me but I was just annoyed. Everyone’s telling me to stop but I can’t and that’s my problem! If I could just instruct my heart to stop beating so freaking fast every time I think about Adam then wouldn’t that be fantastic?!
I tried calling Moira but she said she’s already at school and there’s no way that I’d come back inside and ask Silas to drive me! I’d like to keep my pride, thank you!
So I let out a sigh and began walking to our neighbor’s house.
“Hi, Mrs. Dela Torre,” I greeted. “Is Adam still inside?” Mrs. Dela Torre smiled at me and motioned me to come inside. I sat down and waited for Adam. I really didn’t want to inconvenient him right now—and to talk to him but I’ve got no choice. I’ve really got to make more friends!
“Hey,” Adam said.
“Hey,” I replied. “Can I ride with you?”
“Sure. Fight with Silas?” he asked and I nodded. Adam draped his arm around me and then messed my hair. “You must’ve done something to piss him off again.”
“Hey, it’s not always my fault!” I defended myself. ‘We fought about you,’ I wanted to say but I didn’t want to scare him away.
Adam smiled at me and I melted again. “Sure thing, princess,” he told him. “I’ll just grab my things.” He tossed me his keys. He got to his room to get his stuff while I opened his car and went in. As I got in, I was welcomed with a very sweet scent. Ugh! This was precisely why riding with Adam was a very bad idea! I was being reminded again that he’s with someone else! I could just smell Piper all over his car!
I rummaged my bag and sprayed my perfume all over. Huh, Piper, take that! I must have probably sprayed a little too much because I was beginning to feel a bit faint from the smell.
When Adam came in, he noticed it, too.
“Sorry, I spilled my perfume,” I lied.
“Sure, it’s fine,” he said as he revved the engine. “Anyway, I’ll be picking up Piper. You OK with that?” he asked me.
I nodded. She’s the girlfriend so what can I do. “Yeah, sure,” I said.
We drove to Piper’s place and when we’re one block away, Silas stopped the engine. “Spence,” he said and I looked at him.
“Can you move at the backseat? I mean, if it’s OK with you?” he said and that just hit a spot. Of course I can’t sit shotgun because it’s the girlfriend-seat. I was hurt but I chose to fake a smile. God, why was he so dense?! From all these years, haven’t he noticed yet that I have feelings for him?!
“Sure,” I said, biggest lie ever. I opened the door of the car and transferred at the back. It hurt so freaking much. It was like the biggest slap right at the face. I knew I wasn’t the girlfriend and I was still making my peace with it… I still wasn’t over it. I was still painful. And this? This was making everything too much.
It hurt. So fucking much. But I guess I have to deal with it, right? I was not the girlfriend… and I was beginning to believe I would never be.
He drove again and when Piper got inside, she immediately spotted me. “Morning,” I greeted.
“Yeah, sure, good morning,” she said. She turned at Adam and gave him a peck. “Morning, babe,” she said. I diverted my eyes. Gods! I just wanted to jump out of this car and just walk my way to school!
My heart’s hurting. I can take only so much… and I was starting to believe I’ve got my fill. Adam really has his own way of breaking me over and over again. He can break me without him even knowing about it. He held such power over me.
They were talking about what they did tonight and it was like rubbing salt on a very fresh and open wound. I wanted to go out and just get away from them. I can’t take any of Adam’s shit right now. I knew he’s not at fault. It’s not his fault that I love him. It’s not his fault that he didn’t know about me and my stupid feelings…
Why can’t I be happy?
“Hey, you OK there?” Adam asked me.
I nodded. I didn’t have the heart to talk to him. I just wanted to go to school and distance myself from him. I just wanted to get rid of my feelings for him. It’s not healthy anymore. I feel like if I continue to love him, it will just break me permanently.
“You sure? You look sick, Spence,” he said, worried. “You want me to drive you back home?”
I shook my head. “I’m fine. I just forgot to put makeup on so I look pale,” I lied.
“Yes,” I said, firm. “Let’s just go to school.”
The drive to school was excruciating, too. Piper kept on talking about wanting to go to this place and all things I wish I could do with Adam. It didn’t matter if she’ll only last for 2 weeks… at least she experienced being with Adam. Not like me who’ll only get to dream about it.
“Thanks for the lift,” I said to Adam. I didn’t even wait for him to answer. I ran from him. I was done for the day. I got hurt enough.
I went to my first period and I almost cursed loudly when I remembered that I was classmates with Adam. The teacher’s not there yet. I was seatmate with Adam and I really didn’t want any interaction with him today.
“Hey, Spence,” Silas called. “Sorry about this morning. I didn’t—”
I cut him off. “It’s fine,” I said.
I nodded. “Can you do me a favor, though?” I asked him and he said yes. “Can we switch places?”
His brows furrowed. I begged him before to let me sit with Adam and he was dead serious about not letting me. He said it will just fuel my already burning obsession with his friend and he refuses to play a part. I had to do his chores for a week so he’d switch seats with me. “What?”
I heard Adam’s voice from outside. I didn’t have any more time for this.
“Fine,” he said and then he stood up. I took his seat and placed my head on the desk. Gods it was still morning but it felt like an entire day had already passed! I should have really just walked to school…
When Adam came, of course he noticed.
“Do we have a problem, Spence?” he asked me. I just wish Mrs. Monteith would arrive so I didn’t have to talk to Adam.
I shook my head. “My head’s just hurting.”
“Are you sick? I told you I should have just driven you home,” he said, really worried. Good thing he dropped the topic off. I didn’t want to tell him that I can’t sit next to him because I decided not to love him anymore because it’s so toxic. “Do you want to go to the clinic?” This was why I fell in love with him. He’s really sweet when he shouldn’t be. He shouldn’t be so kind to me if he has no plans of being with me. He’s just making me hope for things that will never happen.
Mrs. Monteith arrived shortly after so I was able to stop lying. Adam looked at me one more before he focused on class. I was able to breathe after that.
“You’re a bad liar.”
“You think?” I told Owen. “Then why did Adam believe me?”
“Do you really want me to answer your question?”
And I shook my head. I had enough reality-slap today.