Birthday Jitters

I am turning a year older next, next month, and to be honest, it kinda scares me a little. I know, I know, I’m still young and I still have a full life ahead of me, but it’s still really making me freak out, you know? Being in your 20s feels like time is running out. It’s either you get your big break right now or you’ll just end up like a big disappointment. It’s just either of the two, and it’s scaring the living daylights out of me.

Currently, I am pursuing a life-long dream of becoming a lawyer, but at the same time, it kinda feels like I am wasting the best years of my life. I mean, I am 23! I should be enjoying and having fun and doing all that stupid stuff right now, but what am I actually doing? I am slaving away in books and memorizing until I literally cry. Yup, that’s my daily routine (in case you’re ever wondering). I know, it’s my dream and I should do everything to make it come true… but I just wanna be free and stupid and do crazy things…

I don’t even know if I am still making sense. I just wanna get this out of my head because I feel like I am really going crazy. I feel like I can hear this clock inside my head, and the ticking is driving me nuts! I can also hear this little voice inside my head telling me to just drop everything and do what is comfortable–writing.

Yeah… Writing has always provided me with comfort. It’s my safe haven. It’s my love. But I am just being practical. I really don’t see writing as a job. It’s just a hobby for me… And with how things are going right now, I kinda feel the burnout coming sooner rather than later. It’s starting to feel like a job, and I’m afraid that I am really starting to hate it. I feel like one day, I’m just gonna say “fuck it” and just disappear online altogether. It’s too much, you know? I am literally going insane in school and the last thing I really need in my life is people online telling me what to do.

Hate it.

Hate it so much.

And it’s not like I can just tune them out, you know? Because I have eyes? And I can read? And I have emotions? So I can feel? There’s no winning, really.

But whatever. I’m here. I’m still here… And frankly? I feel like I am just ranting, but I won’t give up. That’s just not who I am. I am not a quitter. Yeah, sure, I do rant an awful lot, but I am not a quitter. I continue to race until I see that goddarn finish line. Because that’s me. I am a freaking finisher… I’ll finish this until it consumes me.

(Bet you’re thinking what a sad person I am. Maybe I am sad sometimes, but I definitely feel lucky. And happy often times. But neurotic most of the time.)

(BTW, I really don’t hate my birthday–just the thought of getting older and closer to death. I have an awesome plan to celebrate it so can’t wait!!!!!)

2 thoughts on “Birthday Jitters”

  1. huhu cheer up po!!! i love you so much. always remember po na mas madaming nagmamahal sayo kesa sa hate ka (wala nga atang may hate sayo) basta po happy ka happy na kami ilysm!!!!!!

  2. True that. Bakit kaya kapag nasa 20s na, pakiramdam natin iniiwan tayo ng oras pero sinasabi ng mga matatanda na, ‘bata ka pa, ayos lang magkamali… marami pang pagkakataon, Etc.’ Pero hindi ganun yung pakiramdam. Sa totoo lang, di pa maayos ang buhay ko, nasa early 20s pa lang ako pero pakiramdam ko dapat marami na kong magawa at malapit na ko mamatay. Sad. Pero nakakainspire ka. Sana matupad mo mga pangarap mo. At salamat sa mga kwentong shineshare mo sa’min. It’s a nice break from life reading your works.

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